“You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It’s really funny.”
A hero with an incredible talent…for breaking things. A life-or-death mission…to rescue a bag of sand. A fearsome threat from a powerful secret network…the evil Librarians.
Alcatraz Smedry doesn’t seem destined for anything but disaster. On his 13th birthday he receives a bag of sand, which is quickly stolen by the cult of evil Librarians plotting to take over the world. The sand will give the Librarians the edge they need to achieve world domination. Alcatraz must stop them!…by infiltrating the local library, armed with nothing but eyeglasses and a talent for klutzines
If you hate fantasy books, this book is for YOU! Alcatraz tends to make fun of a lot of things, but one thing he hates is fantasy books. Which is slightly ironic, considering that he is the main character in a fantasy book.
The main character, Alcatraz, loves to talk. You are read the climax of the story, and Alcatraz interrupts the story to sidetrack and tell you about giraffes liking other giraffes. I will no doubt admit that this story is hilarious. And sadly kinda short and a fast read, but nonetheless a Sanderson keeper.
Al gives you bathroom breaks. Al tells you to go to sleep. Al gives you adventure. Al gives you suspense. Alcatraz gives you fantasy.
Alcatraz is like a mother, who only exists in your imagination.
“By now, it is probably very late at night, and you have stayed up to read this book when you should have gone to sleep. If this is the case, then I commend you for falling into my trap. It is a writer’s greatest pleasure to hear that someone was kept up until the unholy hours of the morning reading one of his books. It goes back to authors being terrible people who delight in the suffering of others. Plus, we get a kickback from the caffeine industry…”
“People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN’T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort. I could, however, make myself insane, if I wished. (Though if I achieved the second, I might be able to make myself think I’d achieved the first….)
Anyway, if there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s this: great success often depends on being able to distinguish between the impossible and the improbable. Or, in easier terms, distinguishing between Popsicles and insanity.
“Authors also create lovable, friendly characters, then proceed to do terrible things to them, like throw them in unsightly librarian-controlled dungeons. This makes readers feel hurt and worried for the characters. The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren’t the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.”
“If you don’t believe what I’m telling you, then ask yourself this: would any decent, kind-hearted individual become a writer? Of course not.”
“Remember, despite the fact that this book is being sold as a ‘fantasy’ novel, you must take all of the things it says extremely seriously, as they are quite important, are in no way silly, and always make sense.
“They are presented attractively for the same reason that kittens are cute – so that they can draw you in, then pounce on you for the kill.
Seriously. Stay away from kittens.”
“I froze, shocked. (And don’t try to claim that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.)”
“So, when people try to give you some book with a shiny round award on the cover, be kind and gracious, but tell them you don’t read “fantasy,” because you prefer stories that are real. Then come back here and continue your research on the cult of evil Librarians who secretly rule the world.”
“Now, I had been frightened on several different occasions in my life. The most frightening of these involved an elevator and a mime.”
“If you are anything like me — Clever, fond of goat cheese, and devilishly handsome — then you have undoubtedly read many books.”
“Sometimes it was daunting, knowing how easily I could break things. This one simple curse seemed to dominate my entire life.”
“Authors write books for one, and only one, reason: because we like to torture people.”
“Sing!” Grandpa Smedry yelled, his voice echoing down a hallway to the right.”Sing!” If he breaks into song I think I might have to strangle myself… I thought, cringing.”
Where YOU can begin your research on Alcatraz versus the Evil Librarians
*If you are unaware, I have a video on how to use Indie Bound as a resource on how to find books
**Also, if you have a Windows Phone, there is a really good EPUB reader app called Bookviser Reader. You can check out their website here.
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